I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years. And sometimes we ‘engage in conflict’. Most of the times, I feel much better after. The other day, after another ‘conflict’, my partner said: You do much better with conflict than I do. And he’s right.
I feel ‘dirty’ when I don’t say what needs to be said. I feel that it’s easier to deal with the uncomfortable stuff when it arises rather than masking it up. If I don’t deal with the uncomfortable stuff, I’ll carry it and it might manifest into a headache, a bigger fight, a bad mood. I don’t like keeping up a false harmony just for the sake of it. And I am not alone.
I’ve been on a Patrick Lencioni book binge lately and this morning, as I read ‘Death by Meeting‘ (awesome title AND book), I read the following passage:
“When I am working with executives and their teams, I force myself to mine for conflict whenever I can. When I do, it is almost a certainty that many of the executives will come to me afterward and say something to the effect of, “Thank you for making us confront that issue. Our meetings were getting so uncomfortable because we were avoiding it, and everyone knew it was a problem.”
The truth is, the only thing more painful than confronting an uncomfortable topic is pretending it doesn’t exist. And I believe far more suffering is caused by failing to deal with an issue directly – and whispering about it in the hallways – than by putting it on the table and wrestling with it head on.”
He also notes, that conflict will almost always feel uncomfortable and might also cause frustration.
Everything comes with a price tag – conflict feels uncomfortable. You can minimize feeling uncomfortable by a. knowing that that’s just how it will feel and b. by trusting that if you deal with the conflict right then, it will clean out the path for a better future.
You won’t carry debris with you from a conflict that hasn’t been addressed.
I also recommend the book ‘Crucial Confrontations‘ if you want to know more about techniques on how to confront. I feel though that if you are authentic and honest – or like Lencioni puts it: vulnerable – you might do well without techniques.
It’s a muscle you can build. Like with a workout you might first be sore and once you build your strength it might actually feel good. And yes, I most likely am more comfortable with being confrontational because I am German. Which leads to a whole other topic about cultural differences. That’s gonna be another post…
* quote by Thomas Carlyle
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